IN ASSOCIATION WITH
I feel relaxed after taking it.
I forget all my problems, the worries I have.
I don't give a damn about anyone.
I'm scared. The fear is always there.
What if my child saw it?
What would he think about his mum?
I liked seeing others getting high.
I enjoyed watching others getting high.
I felt I needed to try at least once.
And then I tried it.
What happened was that even tasting the stuff made me feel good.
Everybody wants to get high and go to heaven.
It makes you feel great about yourself and you keep taking it.
I took the drugs as if they were an elixir.
They made me feel as if I could go anywhere,
as if I could deal with anybody or anything.
That's how I got hooked up.
You get to fly high when you take it.
Without that we can't live.
Without trip, without taking drug.
We get lost in our own world and we just
forget all our troubles,
pain, all things,
and we are just in our own world.
I'm not happy with this life.
I never thought I would come to this.
I vowed I would never inject it, but I did it.
I never wanted to inject it straight into my artery, but I did it.
I got deeply hooked.
At first I did it because I liked it,
but later because I needed it.
It's hard...
NOVEMBER
Female drug addiction is seen as a taboo in Nepal
The numbers of drug users are increasing, but there are very few facilities attending female users
They don't know where they can find help and live a dangerous life, often as sex workers
Most female drug users suffer rejection by their families and discrimination by society
Only a group of former junkies supports and rescues female drug users who live in hiding as outcasts of society
ANNIE
I am 28 years old.
I work with female drug users,
I provide oral substitution drugs to them
and I hand them needles and syringes.
I quit drugs five years ago, on May 15th.
I’ve been working in the field for three years now.
Annie received a call to check on Nisha and Deepak who have trouble taking care of their baby
Hey, your useless love for the baby isn’t working,
You can't even get clean.
You want to keep the baby but you can't even feed him.
He's so good, he doesn't even cry.
I have told her already yesterday; I am totally sick from withdrawing.
I haven't even looked at the baby since yesterday.
It's useless to tell them anything.
That's what happens.
I can't even...
You can't take care?
Can't even look at him.
If I'm like this, how can I?...
Drugs gave me wings to fly, but took my sky away.
This is what has happened to my life:
I don't have a mother and don't have a father.
And because of drugs I will lose my baby as well.
Are you aware of this now?
I told you this would happen when you were still pregnant.
Look at yourself. At least your parents gave you life and good health.
You got into this mess on your own.
I could write down how you are not able to do much for this baby, you understand?
But it woudn't work. You guys can use drugs, die, do whatever you want,
walk around, inject, get sick.
But give up the baby even if it is to someone like a porter.
I don't know if I'll live or die.
I'm missing my mum and dad a lot.
''You know Kathmandu?''
What to do what to do?
My mum and dad also ''junkie to do''.
I never thought my life would be like this.
He makes a gargling sound when he breathes.
I think he has chest problems because
I was using drugs until the seventh month in my pregnancy.
We haven’t had anything proper to feed him with in the last three days.
I decided to give my baby to someone...
A person that can give all happiness. All things that he needs.
And a family that can love him like a real mother, father.
And...
ONCE I WAS A GIRL
I felt lonely at home.
There were always fights between my mum and my dad.
My dad was an alcoholic.
When I was little I always wanted to be an air hostess because I was told I was pretty.
Hearing this I wanted very badly to be an air hostess,
but as I grew older I was not getting any taller.
Life was good but my mom used to drink a lot of alcohol.
I wanted to join the army. That was my biggest dream.
I like machine guns, that's why I like the army.
I grew up with my mum's sister and brother.
My mum's sister was a teacher and I wanted to be like her.
That was my dream, but I didn't finish my education.
At that age I couldn't tell bad from good,
and there was no one to guide me.
I was the first girl in school,
and in college I just met my elder brother's friends
who used to take drugs
and, by involving with them,
I started taking drugs and my studies just got lost.
I had no family. I used to live in a hostel and hang out with friends.
I had money and used to hang out with older people; my behavior started to deteriorate.
I had no clue that I would fall so deeply into drugs, because I didn't have any knowledge.
I never thought I would end up like this.
At home, my father used to ask me,
"what do you want to be when you grow up?"
I said I wanted to be a doctor, because my father was sick with tuberculosis at that time.
I couldn’t finish my education, how could I fulfil my dream?
I had the chance to complete my studies,
but I missed the opportunity and damaged my own life.
DOLMA
My name is Dolma Tamang. I'm twenty-two years old.
This is the lowest point in my life, working in Thamel, selling my body.
This is the hardest time in my life.
I feel ashamed of myself. I have lost my dignity.
I feel my life is over.
I feel scared, not for me but for my son.
What happens to him if I die?
I haven't even been able to send my son to school.
My son sees what I do. He knows it's a syringe.
He knows that these are drugs. He knows everything.
My son asks me not to use these things.
He follows me where I'm injecting and grabs the syringes.
There is so... Everyone used.
No money... No money to buy this...
This washed... And this also used.
I feel bad and try to keep him away,
because he always cries whenever he sees me injecting, and tells me to not do it.
GETTING HOOKED UP
I used it for the first time when I was fourteen.
I didn’t get hooked then, but when I was 16 or 17 I was hooked.
Now I am 22 and I'm still injecting.
MARY
I started using drugs at the age of 18, when I was in 12th grade.
When I was in 12th grade I started to take “brown sugar” [raw heroine],
and I slowly became an injecting drug user.
I’m in the aftercare phase of the treatment. I have been here six months already.
This is my last week, so I'll go home in four or five days.
BIKENS
I started using pills when I was twelve,
and slowly, slowly, I started to take “brown sugar”.
Right now I'm working at the Grace FoundationRehab Center.
Yes, I'm married and I have a daughter.
And she is now 5 months old.
And she stays with me here in the rehab.
PUJA
Right now, I’m program officer at the Grace Foundation.
I was a drug user for three and a half years.
A lot of bad things happened during that time.
Is it okay if I don't.... ?
NISHA
I'm a big fan of Kurt Cobain.
and by hearing his songs, his attitude, his style,
I became too influenced and I started taking drugs.
I don't know, I...
I just can't... can't quit the drugs.
I don't know why.
yANGZEE
Both of my parents are dead.
That's when I got involved with drugs.
But my life is okay now. I'm taking Methadone at an organisation.
I'm twenty four and I live alone.
The reason I moved to Thamel was that I could buy medicines and get money for my mum.
My auntie told me to work as a prostitute.
I felt like I had fallen from a roof,
but I made my heart strong and decided to do it.
Even though I was still a virgin I made my heart strong.
I cried a lot but I had to do it for the money.
I'm a human being, not an animal.
Those moments were very hard for me.
That's when I started to use drugs.
I couldn't work sober but after taking drugs I could bear it.
I did it for my mum.
Drugs made my work easy and bearable.
DEBIKA
I've been hooked on this stuff for a long time.
I was 12 or 13 at that time.
I wouldn't wish even to my enemies to get hooked on this stuff. This is how I feel.
But when I have this stuff in front of me I forget everything and just get high.
I’m twenty six years old.
I've been using drugs for 13 or 14 years now.
I started going to clubs.
I met people living in this area and we became friends.
I was always taking more, always ahead on taking the bad stuff.
We asked, “what's Pani like?” We were 15 or 16 at that time.
A new cheap drug is spreading in Nepal
पानी ,जल [Pani] - Water
Pani is slang for a combination of the pharmaceutical drugs Diazepam, Phenergan, Stagon and Avil.
It is used by directly injecting into the vein
Pani is easily available and highly addictive
LIVING WITH PANI
I'm feeling very sick, bloody hell.
What have I gotten myself into? This shit, this Pani…
I should have never touched it, for whatever reason I did it.
Bloody hell, damn it!
It's been ten years.
For over three years I slept on the road.
And I've been doing this work for the last four or five years.
I slept on the streets in Naya Bazaar, being hungry most of the time.
I did this for four or five years and then started this line of work.
It hurts, my legs hurt.
It's like my stomach is being scratched from the inside,
and my intestines are being turned inside-out.
That's how I feel when I'm in withdrawal.
I have to use drugs, I can't stand being sick. Without them, my legs start swelling.
I shoot into my arteries because my veins have already become like wires.
That's why I shoot into my arteries.
It's very hard for female drug users to survive.
They have to sleep with dealers in exchange of drugs.
They have to ''fall in love'' with lots of guys to get drugs.
They end up living anywhere to get drugs.
They even end up under police custody because of drugs.
Police… There is always the fear of the police.
Many times I have been in custody for...
Longest time was six months
Many many times, because of these drugs,
by dealing and sometimes by going to hunting
Many times I have been...
Hunting means to go to take drugs..
To go to hunt the drug, I used to say hunting.
ANNIE GOES BACK TO CHECK ON NISHA AND THE BABy
Babu, how are you? Are you okay?
Sister Annie, do you want some weed?
Sister, what seems to be stuck in his chest?
Have you ever heard about pneumonia?
The spots you get in your chest?
These spots mean that he's about to get a chest infection.
It's very cold in this room.
It's not the room.
Do you remember the last time I came here?
His cap was cold with sweat.
And it felt very cold in here.
But you couldn't feel it and that's how he got the cold.
Inside?
Yes, in the chest.
They're taking all kinds of drugs.
Inject, ''brown'', tablets, pills, smoke, marihuana.
Everything, they use, husband and wife.
What's his name?
Daniel.
Daniel?
The name...
The name is very smart.
Daniel's name is smart.
Name smart, name smart.
I didn't want to come today because when I see the baby I want to cry.
This is not a joke. We’re not here because of you guys, we’re here for the baby.
I thought you would get better but you’re worse than before.
You’re always taking drugs and injecting here. Come on, you have a kid!
Don't you know how much the smoke affects the baby?
I don't like coming here. I don't like to smell the weed. I was an addict myself.
My brain tells me to smoke it.
It won't take long to put me into action if I continue coming to places like this.
Because of you guys the baby comes to my mind at night.
The baby keeps nagging me. How am I going to take care of him?
Sharmila Baidhya is the first female ex-user in Nepal who went through a rehab program
Now she runs one of the few drop-in centers for female drug users
Some female drug users don't have enough money to get drugs.
In many cases, they don’t sell sex directly, they do it indirectly.
They sleep with someone for a night to get drugs, we have this kind of cases.
There are situations in which they don’t use condoms,
if the dealer refuses to use condoms.
As a consequence, they are at high risk of contracting HIV.
It's obvious, people look at me as a whore and a drug addict.
For sure.
They won't say it in my face, but that's what they say behind my back.
This is how I manage to get drugs.
They ask girls directly when they see us on the road.
I would answer, ''I will go, but how much will you give me?''
They offer between 30 and 40 dollar, sometimes less.
Then I will go with them but I will not spend a long time. I sleep with them once.
Then I take the money and leave. I ask for the money in advance.
Sometimes, when I come across a naive guy, I ask him to go to the toilet.
Then I lock the door from the outside and run away.
Sleeping with somebody that you don't want is
very different to sleeping with your husband.
Sometimes customers ask me, ''Aren't you aroused?"
Then I tell them, ''no, because you are not my husband or my boyfriend.
I am just doing it for the money.''
Sometimes I meet really nice guys.
They just want to talk and share their stories while drinking beer.
They even tell me, ''if you don't want to have sex that's okay.
You can sleep in one bed and I’ll sleep in the other.”
My husband has no idea that I’m doing this.
I tell him that I’m going out to party with friends.
When I do this I sometimes wonder
how come I fell this low for money.
I feel so guilty. After all, I'm a girl. And I am doing this just for drugs.
At night it's very tough for women, We can get physically assaulted.
We can’t defend ourselves.
They can kill us. We go for the money but there is a risk.
Police have also tried to grab my chest and tried to cheat me and get my money.
I have been in police custody.
I’ve got harassed by guys on the road and I’ve got robbed.
This has happened so many times.
I started this job because of drugs and to support my mum.
They grabbed my neck, choked me and raped me.
Sometimes they beat me up. I suffered a lot.
They hit me sometimes.
They tell you, ''let's go,'' and they take you.
And then 10 or 12 people are waiting on the road.
There are situations like that. It happens a lot.
If I get paid well, I go with two guys in one night.
But if the pay is low, I go with three or four guys in one night.
They sometimes ask for more than was agreed on.
When I tell them that it’s not possible they start doing it anyway.
They say, “What's the point of paying you?”
They say, ''Give me the money back.''
But we have already given our body. How can we return the money?
So we tell them that we can't give the money back.
They grab us, they choke us and try to get their money back.
I feel ashamed of myself. I have lost my dignity.
I feel my life is over.
Brother, I have tried to kill myself so many times.
I have taken poison but I’ve survived.
Then I tried to hang myself.
But now, when I think about killing myself, I close my eyes and see my son.
I want to do something for him. Only then I could die. Let's see...
No, no, I don't give up. Sorry. I want to change my life. How can I give up?
I've never tried to kill myself. I still wish and hope I can do something with my life.
I will live until I'm 80. See my grandchildren. Come on, I am not giving up.
REHAB
DEBIKA HAS DECIDED TO QUIT DRUGS
We are going now.
There's a car waiting for us.
I need this for the winter, right?
What is this? Okay, carry this.
It will be cold. Carry a sweater.
Take this.
And here this too.
I do this for me. How long can I go on using drugs?
Half of my life is over and I don't have many years left.
I’ve done this for too long.
Obviously, I felt bad. When I told my son to take care
he stopped watching cartoons, stood up and asked me:
“Where are you going?”
Mary.
Take the keys.
Do I have to come up?
Name?
My name?
Debika Tamang.
And I told him: “Take care of yourself.
Your mum will be back soon.
And don't give trouble to your grandmother.”
I felt like crying.
Okay Devika. Congratulations to you. Be good.
I hope you will be better next time we meet.
You should take the treatment first. So many people can do this.
You can and you should do it.
In my experience it was very hard for me to get clean.
Very hard.
The reason why I managed to stay clean was because I was finished with everything.
I was finished physically, mentally, financially, and finished with friends and family.
Even I could not die when I tried to kill myself.
At the end I had to quit and go to rehab. That's the reason why I’m still clean.
Different kinds of women come here; some come in their worst condition,
some arrive here by their own will,
some are still using drugs when they come.
Some are very sick when they arrive.
Different types of women come here.
When they get arrested they have two choices: Go to jail or to undergo rehab.
Obviously, they choose rehab.
Only a few come voluntarily.
In some cases the family brought them here but later on the family doesn't give a damn.
They regard this rehab as a dust bin.
They leave them at the rehab and don't care anymore.
It’s hard for them when they are new.
There is a saying: “If you make it easy, it will be easy.”
The first stage was very hard because I was tricked by my family to come here.
But when the program began to touch me and the words started to connect
and I felt them. I realized that I should do it.
I must do it. I started to have this feeling inside.
Even those who arrived on their own have sometimes doubts and try to run away.
We have to keep an eye on that.
Sometimes we have to lock the doors because some may get depressed during their stay.
It can be a problem if they die by hanging themselves.
We have to lock the doors upstairs because they may try to jump off the roof.
There are those issues. They may go into the kitchen and cut themselves with a knife.
When they go to the toilet they may find small things and try to commit suicide.
Right now I'm having back pains.
I have the chills and goosebumps all over my body.
Yes, I know, I'm sick. It will be hard.
I won't be able to sleep or eat.
It will be hard.
I've tried to quit four or five times already.
I’ll do it. I’ll think about myself and my son.
I really feel that I have to do it.
Mary completed her time at the rehab and is preparing to face society again
The fear of falling into drugs again is there. I know my weaknesses.
I'm not 100% sure I won't fall back in to drugs again. Those situations can arise.
Life will always be challenging, you know?
Once again, Namaste family.
Today, sister Mary, who has been staying with us, is about to get discharged.
She has been staying with you for a long time.
So for her recovery you may want to give her words of hope and courage.
Society will talk about me. They will talk behind my back:
“She was this or that kind of girl before.”
I will have to face this, that's the reality.
But I’m ready to face it.
The kind of person I was before was very selfish.
I always thought, ''this is my life and I will run it the way I want to''.
But there are people connected to me:
My mum, my dad, my brothers and sisters, my husband and society as well.
I feel I have to lead a life on life's terms.
I have to understand the meaning of life.
Best wishes my child.
Yes.
Don't worry, she will be back to visit.
Don't forget us.
What to say. If they come they will cry.
But after stay here for long. They will go, they will cry.
Ok, bye bye.
Thank you.
ANNIE DISCUSSES OPTIONS WITH NISHA
Think about what you need to do now.
If you want to give up the baby you two need to talk.
If you don't want to give him up, you two need to decide what to do.
I know because I came from the same place.
I know what happens if you do this or that.
I’m frustrated that I can't live without drugs.
But it finally started...
The journey.
Journey...
I told you before.
A WOMEN'S RIGHTS ISSUE
In Nepali society there are boundaries on what a woman should and should not do.
The common belief is that women belong home.
We women are dominated and oppressed.
People and society are scared and surprised
about the existence of female drug users.
There are between 108 and 120 rehab centers in Nepal
but only 3 of them are for women.
That is too few.
What can I say? There is no budget for women.
There is a budget for men.
Female drug users can't open up and they suffer silently from diseases,
they die alone without anybody noticing.
That's what I have seen in my experience.
MINISTRY OF HOME AFFAIRS
There’s a saying that Nepal is a country run by men.
Maybe it's for this reason that we don't get projects directly.
FANINDRA MANI POKHREL UNDER SECRETARY DRUG CONTROL SECTION MINISTRY OF HOME AFFAIRS
Women are mostly users because...
Women are the kind of people that are influenced quickly.
That's why they are manipulating women and are using them.
Special rehabs for female drug users need to be opened.
There are projects supposed to be coming for female drug users.
A big project. But where is it?
Until now it hasn't come.
We are planning to open a new government rehab center.
It's a government process so it may be delayed.
According to the Central Statistics Bureau,
there are around 6,000 female drug users in Nepal.
The data is totally wrong.
I know it's wrong because I used to work before drug field collecting data.
Lots of girls using drugs are hidden.
Now a new generation of female drug users are getting into drugs at the ages of 14 or 15.
In simple terms, this issue will become very dangerous in the future.
Nisha and Deepak decided to keep their son and finally go into rehab
But Annie can't get them admitted anywhere
I tried my best to help. I asked for help at many organizations.
But they're ignoring me and coming up with excuses.
They tell me that they don't have funding and don't have space.
The situation is difficult.
Most of the organizations are trying to make money.
First of all they don't work to help.
Just don't be high all the time. Open your eyes.
Open widely your eyes and see what is going on.
What is going on around your world.
You’re still asleep.
Wake up.
[I'm tired. Me 2.]
What to do? What to do?
Nothing to do.
This is a Kathmandu
FIVE MONTHS HAVE PASSED SINCE DEBIKA WENT INTO REHAB
APRIL
I never thought I was good for anything.
I feel that I’ve changed in many aspects.
I’ve learned a lot here.
Sometimes I can't believe this is me.
Before, I never took responsibility for anything.
But now I assume my responsibilities.
So I’m happy.
People used to say, “Debika, she’s always high.”
That hurt me and made me angry.
It made me use drugs even more.
Here, people tell me: “Devika you’ve changed and you’re doing well.”
That makes me feel good about myself.
I feel in my heart that I need to do something now.
Here I have learnt to read and write,
and I can teach others.
There are lots of happy moments, funny moments.
We have an entertainment session once a week.
Everybody sings and dances.
It's a lot of fun, especially when you feel sad and down.
During that time you mingle with everybody
and that feels very nice.
Here we grow vegetables.
We have a saying:
''The cauliflower and the cabbage will grow and
when we eat them we can go home.''
Some used to say, ''When we eat the peas, we can go home.''
Debika, are you okay?
How long have you been here now?
Five months.
So, five months...
I am sure you know when you will be discharged.
I know.
How many months from now?
In six months.
So this is going to be your first outing.
For me, the moment I decided that I needed to get clean was when...
when my son...
Even now it still hurts so much.
You know the syringes that we use to inject...
My son was carrying a syringe...
He pulled it down like this...
And he poked himself with the syringe.
He said, ''Mum is doing like this...''
I still remember it.
I had become a drug addict.
I could not even take care of the son I had given birth to.
I was such a careless mother.
What now?
Let's go home, but you need to be back here tomorrow.
Did you have lunch?
No.
Our son Babu has holidays, so I came here to take you home.
You wanted to see him. His school starts after Sunday.
Babu has school holidays so you can meet him.
So, how is it here? I have heard the rules are very tight.
Who said that?
Ma'am said so.
I feel very happy because it has been a long time since I saw my family for the last time.
It has been five months since I saw my son's face.
It's going to be hard. I’m going to meet people that are still using drugs.
People are using them in the streets.
It will be hard to face and deal with people in the streets who are still using drugs.
ANNIE CONTINUES HER LIFE AS A SOCIAL WORKER
The reason why I had cut my hair was
that I was undergoing treatment.
I had a liver problem, hepatitis C.
As a side effect of the treatment my hair fell off.
So I decided to cut it all off.
Nowadays I don't have much time for myself.
I’m working with a lot of people who are still drug users.
My job is to provide them with oral medication.
At night, when it gets difficult for detoxing clients I look after them.
I have to stay there and look after the girls.
I help them. And at night I’m looking after detoxing clients.
AFTER FIVE MONTHS, DEBIKA MEETS HER SON AGAIN
I can't explain what I felt. I had no idea what to say or what to do.
I was feeling very uncomfortable.
I wanted to hug him, keep him by my side, I wanted so much to speak with him.
I felt very uncomfortable. But I was happy when I met my son.
I went upstairs and told him, “let's go and get some snacks and pizza”.
When I was changing his clothes he was very happy.
I saw him changed. My son has grown taller and he is thinner, too.
I think he's gotten used to this. I have been in rehab and under police custody many times.
He asked me where I had gone. I answered that I was at a hospital.
There is certain food that I miss.
What is it?
Pizza.
The fear is always there.
The fear is there.
It's because I haven't faced the outside world even once.
Because I’m crazy for Pani and I can't control myself.
I just don't want to look at it.
When I left home I felt that I hadn't had enough time.
It's still the same neighbourhood. I'd be scared to live there again.
I want to continue living at the center. I was happy to return.
I didn't feel sad. I woke up in the morning and had some tea.
MARy RETURNS TO THE REHAB CENTER
Yumi, do you recognise me?
Press your fingers here.
Why are you licking me?
No, here.
Here?
Between these two, from here to here.
Did you know you were coming here?
I didn't know anything.
Really?
Aha...
Do you recognise him?
You recognise him?
Yes, I remember.
Who is he?
He is the person who was making the documentary before.
Am I right?
Raul.
Say Hi.
Hello.
He was asking about you.
Which room are you sleeping in? Dormitory 1 or 2?
I had to come back to the center after five months.
My family was supportive, but I was always feeling lonely.
Everybody was busy. No one was at home and I was lonely.
Because of that I started having negative thoughts.
On top of that I am also infected with HIV and hepatitis. That's why...
Because of my health problems I felt...
You know...
NISHA AND DEEPAK SWITCHED TO METHADONE, A SUBSTITUTION DRUG
Now I’m taking care of the baby.
I used to take a lot of stuff.
But I stopped because my baby is getting older and I understand now.
When a baby gets older you need to cater for his needs.
We can't always be like this.
Now I’m getting better for my baby, let's see how far I can reach.
I’m much better than before.
But now, taking methadone, I don't have to go anywhere and I can take care of my child.
I’m not using anything else and I'm slowly reducing my methadone dose.
This is my code number.
This is my arrival time.
And this is my out going time.
Slowly I will quit and next time we meet
I’ll be better than before, much better than now.
yANGZEE, NOW IN A RELATIONSHIP, DECIDED TO STOP BEING A SEX WORKER AND TO QUIT METHADONE
QUITTING METHADONE CAN BE DANGEROUS IF NOT DONE IN A GRADUAL WAy
I’m trying to quit, but it’s very hard, what else can I say?
My life is better than before. I don't have to work or struggle.
My boyfriend takes care of me. What else do I need?
Where are you staying now?
Me? At the house of the former king of Nepal.
I came on my own to this place, I’m going crazy.
I’m being honest.
Unbelievable things are happening.
I’m human, and a god as well. I've been asked to make a choice. I don't know what the choice is.
yANGZEE'S MENTAL STATE REQUIRES HER TO BE ADMITTED AT THE GRACE FOUNDATION REHAB CENTER FOR WOMEN
What happened? You look stunned?
Are you scared?
Yes.
Don't be afraid. Nothing will happen to you.
Don't worry, we are all like you.
As you stay you will begin to understand the rules.
Chandika, can you do a quick body search?
When she arrived, it seemed that she had lost her mind a little bit.
Confused, dazzled and in a state of fear.
She has been taking methadone for the last six months.
The cause of her condition is not only from the use of methadone.
Aside from methadone, she used a lot of other chemicals as well.
She doesn’t know what she says, what she does, and where she is.
How do you feel?
I’m feeling wonderful.
I don't think you are feeling wonderful. Come on, tell me.
Where you a drug user outside?
Uh-huh.
I stopped.
When did you stop using drugs?
A long time ago. Maybe a year.
It's been six months since I quit methadone.
Come on, don't lie.
I’m not a drug user.
I don't know why, but I felt depressed, frustrated, lonely and slowly, slowly…
I started using drugs once, twice; even though I knew I shouldn't do it.
I was using drugs from time to time and then I started to use them regularly.
I try to control myself many times but I don't know what happens.
Again, and again, and again and again...
I used I stop, I used I stop, I used I stop...
And now here again.
Sometimes, being a believer I feel like...
I've done some much sin. I don't deserve it. I don't...
In Christianity there is hell and heaven.
I'm a big sinner. I don't deserve heaven.
I feel like that sometimes.
DEATH
Do you know how many of your friends have died?
Can you count them with your fingers?
I know of seven, but I forgot the names of two.
The old time drug users I knew have all died.
Many are dead. Almost all of my friends have died. I don't have any friends left. I met Annie later.
When I was still using drugs I had five close friends who were users
but all of them died, within a few days.
Since I’m working as a social worker I have seen more female drug users die than men.
People just sleep like this... Two of my friends die ''by this''.
Some people are mad now. They don't know anything.
Are you not afraid that happen what happen to your friends?
I am afraid but what to do? It is like a disease.
We have to take medicine. Addiction is like one kind of disease.
Had they received treatment on time they would still be alive today.
IN THE FINAL STAGES OF HER TREATMENT DEBIKA DECIDES TO STAy AS A VOLUNTEER
SHE IS NOW ALLOWED TO HANDLE MONEY AND TO BUy SUPPLIES FOR THE CENTER
I want to work in the drug field eventually.
Anything else to get?
Yes, tomatoes and some stuff from the rations store.
I will do it. Whatever I've learned I will use.
There will be others coming here. I will teach them.
That's what I feel in my heart.
I can feel her withdrawal, too, because I have been through the same.
The pain, the suffering, the hardships...
It doesn’t get easier by sharing it. I know how hard it is. I know.
I think it’s working out. She understands what I’m going through,
Were you still in withdrawal when I left?
She was very thin.
Now she is this big. And now I am in her place.
How does it feel taking care of each other?
I think it's working out. She understands what I'm going through.
and I understand what she went through. The pain is the same.
I understand.
The numbers of female drug users will keep growing. The increase will continue.
People think that we are like...
What to say... Like animals.
I just completed 5 years.
I still have to face those kinds of problems.
Problems like when people still say about me:
“That person’s daughter is a drug user.”
They treat us very bad.
They don't like us. They dont want to come near us.
Someday, when they will have someone in their family with the same drug problem...
...that day maybe they will understand.
I really miss my mum.
And I always miss my brother also, father also.
Just...
...all the time I miss them. I dont know if they miss me or not but I miss them.
It's difficult...
...to live alone without family.
Whatever society thinks let them think it. Let them talk about me.
I didn't give a damn.
But after coming here I feel I’m not alone.
People are connected to me.
And I have to behave accordingly.
People look at the children of drug addicts in a very degrading way.
People say things like: “They are the children of drug addicts, stay away.”
Those children, how they must feel?
I have not told my son anything about my addiction until now.
But when he grows older and he is able to understand...
...I’ll tell him about drugs and addiction.
I will tell my daughter when she grows older...
...about the consequences of using drugs.
I will tell her about my experiences.
What I had to do and what I had to become when I was using drugs.
I will share all those experiences wth my daughter.
If someone asked you what is this documentary about?
What would you answer?
My simple answer would be...
Even drug users like me
that try to hide it and not to show it,
later it could help other female drug users.
Later could help other female drug users.
Because my message could be useful for them.
That's why this documentary has been made.
yangzee was able to recover and completed her rehabilitation treatment. She currently lives in Germany with her boyfriend
Nisha and Deepak eventually broke up. Deepak finished the Methadone treatment and went back to live with his family and takes care of the baby.
Nisha’s wherabouts are unknown
Mary completed successfully the treatment for Hepatitis C and then started a treatment for HIV She is still undergoing her rehabilitation treatment
Debika continues doing her volunteering at Grace Foundation. She wants to learn the necessary to work as a Social Worker and help other drug users
Dolma stopped injecting and joined an oral substitution program. She continues working in the streets of Kathmandu
Puja, Bikens and Annie are still working in assisting, helping and supporting female drug users in Nepal