mama, you are the sweetest person in the world
mama, the sweetest person in the whole world
WHEN SHE ISN'T THERE
what I know about mothers:
Are you recording this? -I am.
He doesn't even tell us.
my sisters
I think it's 28 June.
The day she died.
I was six. Roxy was four.
I was five, I think. -Were you five?
Then you must have been seven. -No, I was almost seven.
I never remember. -It's June and July.
Yes, one is her birthday, the other is the day she died.
The day she was born and the day... -Exactly, the day she died.
What are you thinking?
Well...
I'm thinking lots of things.
But it's hard to talk about something we don't know.
That's what I've found.
Hey. -Hi, buddy.
If you had to describe a mother to someone who has no idea...
what would you say?
To me, it was someone who...
who was always there for you.
she is always there for you
Nice question.
It makes me think of home.
I associate 'mother' with being home, coming home.
How would I describe a mother to someone who has no idea?
It's this connection with the person who brought you into this world.
This makes her different from a father.
she brings you into the world
Mother.
she looks at you in a particular way
Did your family take many videos? Do you have much home video material?
There is exactly one video.
Could I see it some time? -Sure.
Peekaboo.
Don't do that.
what I know about my mother:
It's nice and warm here, isn't it? -Yes, it's warm.
It's all part of the film, of course.
my father
The reason I think I've found it is that there's a photo frame...
with a photo of her.
Do you remember what colour the photo album was?
No.
Are you still there, Dad?
Is it okay if I take one with me?
To Utrecht? -Yes, but you will give it back, right?
I will. But I want to look at it in peace.
Hi, Wieke. -Hello, dad.
I...
I'm completely stuck right now.
And...
I find that I'm just so afraid...
I'm so afraid to look for her.
And I'm suddenly overwhelmed.
But are you talking about being afraid or being sad?
Or both? -Maybe I am...
I've been going around in circles...
and I find myself evading the issue, and that's just...
Maybe I'm just...
Well, maybe I'm afraid to really face up to the loss.
And would you like to face up to it? -Yes, I would.
Yes, because every time I see or watch something...
I just feel a lot of sadness.
A kind of wave that just washes over me and destroys everything.
And I want that to stop. I just want...
Well, I just want to be able to look at her.
what I know about my mother:
my mother had long brown hair
my mother had a beautiful smile
Shall I just take out some things and show them?
Is that a good idea?
That's fine.
This is one of... This is a dress that she liked to wear.
Is that a boilersuit or something?
I think it's a coat or a trouser suit. -I think it's a trouser suit.
my mother had a cool...
a fashionable style
She used this for her daily stuff, for teaching...
at the Skinner college.
A leather bag.
Stop it.
Is it hard for you? Do you want me to stop filming?
Don't film this.
my mother was a French teacher
my mother isn't there
What are you carrying with you? What is it?
What I see before me is a very large bag full of granite or something.
Very heavy lumps of granite. Dark, heavy, cumbersome.
Hard to break into pieces.
Because it's so solid. -That's right.
And if you were to lift it over your head and drop it on a concrete surface...
would it burst?
I think it could burst.
Then I'll lose something very important somehow.
The little I have about her.
No, that's impossible. You can't lose what you got from your mother.
Your whole body was built this way.
You can't lose that.
Come, Loulou. It's bedtime, let's go upstairs.
Give Mummy a kiss. Then we'll go upstairs.
Come.
On the bed.
Say bye to Mummy. -Bye.
I think this is the only, or one of the few photos in which she is emotional.
Maybe that's just what I want.
Because I'm in it too. -What I see, is that it's all good.
From her point of view. It's all good.
So very... You were the apple of her eye.
You meant the world to her. You were what mattered most to her.
I don't have concrete examples, but you were everything to her.
Hey, do you think that is normal behaviour?
Hey, Wieke, Wieke, Wieke.
Wieke. -Yes.
You'll break the camera.
Can the camera handle that, Michel? Hey? -Yes.
Where?
Here.
Did you smash your head against the wall?
but she was there
A deep sigh.
Here. -You can take it now.
I want it like that too. -Oh, come on.
What does it matter? You're acting like a baby.
Yes, but then there's this look.
Cut that too. -Do you want me to cut it for you?
Here you go. -Here.
You can take it now. -I want it like that too.
Oh, come on. What does it matter? You're acting like a baby.
Now eat up. I want to go to the city.
'Please, dear Mummy.'
I need boots.
First, you need a nappy, then trousers and socks.
And then boots.
You're in luck.
for my mother